The News

Time seems to move slowly in the NHS fertility world, but eventually 13th October 2010 arrives. We both happen to be off work that week, I would have changed the appointment date but for not wanting any more delays. This would not be my choice of things to do on my time off work but this appointment should give us a diagnosis and a next stage forward.

We had a 5pm appointment and soon we are the last people in the waiting room, feeling as if we have been forgotten. The lovely receptionist goes to check with the doctors and does reassure us, that although they are running very late, we have not been forgotten. The waiting just makes me more nervous. I so want us to here positive news.

Finally we get called in by the same registrar that we had seen last time. Consistency is nice but I would like to see the consultant. After all, they constantly check their decisions with them anyway (or that seems to be my experience). Quietly, she explains that the high FSH levels in my husband are showing that he is non-obstructive azoospermic. There is nothing that can be done but we could use donor sperm to have a baby. She hands us some leaflets, tells us the nurse we need to contact if we want to discuss using donor sperm. The appointment is over. We have been told what we deep down expected but to hear it confirmed, is like being hit in the face.

We go home and my husband breaks down in floods of tears. We hug, there is not much to say at the moment, it's too sad and too raw.

Looking back, this is when we started to grieve for our lost baby but both of us have lost our mothers and couldn't quite see this situation as grief in the same way as death.

The next day we went off for a trip to the Lake District and despite me wanting to talk about it, we had an infertility embargo. We needed a few days away, just us, not talking about infertility and enjoying our few days in the Lakes. We had a lovely trip away despite a bit of British wet weather!

Back home, thoughts came back to what to do next and after a couple of weeks, my husband decided to book a meeting with the donor nurse at the clinic to have a chat and help us make our next decision. No decision, just to give us information to make a more informed choice.

Books, Stuff and Advice

Thank you to all the people who have been reading my blog. It is lovely to know that it is not sitting in the  ether unread.

This week, I thought that I would give you all a break from my story and suggest some great books, as well as other places for support and advice that I have found over the last two years. Please leave comments to post your views on these and to advise of any other books or other places of support worth recommending to myself and all the readers of my blog.

On the left you can see some recommendations. Well I have all three books (and some others).

The first book I purchased was:
Zita West's Guide to Fertility and Assisted Conception


It's a large compendium of all things fertility and infertility. 500 pages and published in 2010, so pretty up to date. I have had it for over a year and read most of it originally, but it is a book I go back to regularly looking for advice and guidance. The first half of the book looks how you can improve your lifestyle to improve your chances of conceiving naturally, whilst the second half looks at fertility issues and Assisted Conception techniques. It's easy to read, she gets expert opinions, so that she gives the best and correct advice and I even found out about Fertility Friends from here!

The only downsides are that it only has a small section on male factor infertility and very little on IUI. Despite this I would still recommend the book. A great reference book for anyone with fertility issues.


Since purchasing this book I have also bought:

Conquering Infertility: Dr. Alice Domar's Mind/Body Guide to Enhancing Fertility and Coping with Infertility by Alice D. Domar

This is a great book that gives you coping strategies. Each chapter is about different areas of your life -relationships, work, family etc. and gives you ways to be able to feel happier with infertility, cope with the stress and appreciate that the way that you are feeling is normal. If you live in London you can do the Alice Domar course at The Bridge Fertility Clinic but if like me you live outside London, then you should definitely give this book space on your bookshelf.

Pink for a Girl by Isla McGuckin

I wouldn't say that this is a must have book but it is a very easy to read book - each chapter is only a couple of pages long. It tells the story of one couples journey through infertility. I found it good to read someone else's journey which I can relate to. What the book does best is to allow you to know that the way you feel is ok as other people with infertility issues are feeling the same.

Making Babies the hard way by Caroline Gallup

This is a very emotional journey of Caroline and Bruce Gallup who find out that they need to use donor sperm to complete their family. It is a great read and for me shows you not only what will happen in IUI treatment but the emotions that they go through are the emotions that all of us will go through. It won't make it easier for you but will make you realise that you are normal. A great read if you have any fertility problems but particularly if you need to use donor sperm. There are not many books written specifically about donor sperm and it is great to find one that is a good read and not a medical textbook.

Other Things:

Fertility Friends Forum







www.fertility friends.co.uk
I have found this a great help since I joined in 2010. The ladies on this website offer support and advice. It has helped me by not having to constantly talk to my husband about infertility and cause arguments but still have somewhere where I can talk and be understood. I think men in general keep more of there emotions hidden, don't need to talk as much as women about issues and have a more practical than emotional approach. Some people on regional threads even meet up (I haven't done this but some people will prefer to have human contact as well as virtual).

The only caution I will give came via a counsellor. Don't get too embroiled as you could be taking on other people's problems to add to your own. I haven't found this an issue. I use it for advice and support and know where to draw the line in my head.

Fertility Show

www.fertilityshow.co.uk
Last year we went to the second Fertility Show at Olympia in London. My husband was very sceptical about going but as a woman wanting to find out as much information as possible I convinced him to tag along. Having been, he says that he would now recommend the show, as he thought it focused his mind on what to do to help our infertility.

There are two sides to the show - seminars and exhibitors. The seminars are excellent. There is a wide choice of ones based on pre treatment, medical issues, treatment, emotional issues, Adoption. We saw four - how to get the most out of the NHS, male factor issues, donor conception, one woman's treatment experience. These were all excellent and we both learnt things from all of them. The seminars alone make the Fertility Show worth attending.

The other side of the show are the exhibitors. We also found out some interesting and useful information from the exhibitors but you need to keep in mind that they are also businesses. Sometimes some of the exhibitors seemed more interested in selling their business and not us. To be fair only the minority of exhibitors came across like this.

I would recommend this show if you have time to visit in November. Get there early and make the most of it because it gets busy later on and you will be queuing to speak to exhibitors. This years show is on 4th and 5th November.

Donor Conception Network

www.donor-conception-network.org
If you are thinking about using donor eggs or sperm then you need to visit this website. They are charity started in 1993 to support people thinking about using a donor, or parents of donor conceived children as well as donor conceived children. I have found the information on this site invaluable.

There are sections for men to read, sections for women, sections for single women and sections for lesbian couples. There is also information for donor conceived children. They have a bookshop and library that members can use. Each year they have a national meeting in London and one national meeting outside of London.

We first came to hear about them at their stand at the Fertility Show last year and we listened to a seminar that Olivia Montuschi from DCN gave on going overseas and using donor sperm or eggs.

Subsequently, we have been to their "Preparation for DC Parenthood Workshop" and found it very useful to discuss issues relating to being a donor conceived parent prior to either making the decision to use donor eggs or sperm or prior to becoming pregnant. It was also great to meet people in a similar position as us. If this something that you are considering to complete your family, then I would highly recommend this workshop. It enabled me to become certain that this was the route we were going down was the right one for ourselves.

We have now joined and been to the National Meeting that they just had in September in Leeds. Again lovely to meet people in a similar position to ourselves but also great to meet people at treatment stage like ourselves but also people who now have donor conceived children. This gave me hope.

This is not the only fertility charity but one worth looking at and joining if you find yourself needing to use donor sperm, eggs or embryos for your family.

Finally We're In

It's such a relief to finally be going to the Fertility Clinic. I had no idea what to expect but was extremely happy to be finally be going to see the right people.

I wasn't sure what Seacroft Hospital would be like. It's a smallish old Victorian hospital, that does not give you confidence in modern Medicine as you enter it but I knew the Fertility clinic had only opened in January after the two clinics (one at St James' and the other at the LGI) were merged. Up the stairs we went and in to the modern fertility clinic. Phew. Much nicer than the rest of the building. It makes me feel a bit more at ease. The waiting room is large. Other people are also waiting and like us nervously watching BBC News 24 before being called by a doctor or nurse.

We wait to see Mrs Sharma and after about 1/2 hour (always have to wait here) my name is called but not by Mrs Sharma, by one of the registrars. It seems to me that you rarely get to see a consultant in the NHS.

The doctor is nice. She looks at the notes and we have a chat. Then she checked my hubby's testicles (I'm not sure he cared for that!) and said that he needed some blood tests - testosterone, FSH and genetic, plus a rectal scan and I needed a pelvic scan. She still gave us hope though. If a blockage is found, then he could have sperm surgically removed and we could have IVF with ICSI, where single sperm are injected in to eggs. There was still a chance that I could have my husbands baby. We booked a follow up appointment for October - time for tests to be done and results to come back. Then off we went to the the flabotomy department for my husband to have a blood test. He hates injections and needles but was brave and did say that the nurses were expert blood takers.

October seemed such a long time away but atleast we were having diagnosis tests done and should be able to start treatment soon after the next appointment, although I had no idea of waiting times.

A Little Bit Of Knowledge Could Have Helped

Nervously, excitedly I waited for our first appointment. I had no idea what would happen at the appointment but it wasn't what did happen.

I had my history checked by the consultant only to be told that the building next door used to be NHS but had been given to a private company, that this was a wasted appointment (he did not say this,as he was fairly pleasant). He offered to transfer us to Bradford Royal Infirmary (not a good reputation and a bit far) or send a letter back to GP to refer us to The Leeds Centre for Reproductive Medicine (LCRM) in Seacroft. He actually said to us that the latter had a very good reputation. We plumped for this, both from the consultants advice and because it is near to where we live.

Of course I was peeved off. Why had this still been an option in choose and book and why did the 'locum' GP not know that if you live where we do the LCRM is the only choice?!?

Subsequently, I did more internet research and thanks to Google found out that Leeds has no private fertility clinics. If you want to go private, it's Sheffield, Doncater, Manchester or London. I have no idea why a city as large as Leeds only has an NHS facility.

Well, then I had to chase to make sure the letter got back to my GP ahen and again to make sure that a letter was sent to LCRM for an appointment. Of course I had used my choose and book allowance already. When the appointment came through it was for August. Annoyingly if I had chosen it in the first place, I would have been seen in late June/early July.

More waiting and more frustration that I was still not pregnant but for the second time, we were starting on the fertility treatment route!

The moral of this part of the story is....you need to do a bit of research yourself, as GPs (and doctors) don't always have the best answers fo you.

A Trip to the GP's and another and another

So the road to looking in to our infertility problem began.

We both belong to different GP's, so my husband took the lead and got an appointment to see his. Despite his worries they did not make him feel weird being there and asked him to do a semen sample and a blood test for testosterone levels. A semen sample is relatively simple to do (even if my husband wasn't over keen) but in Leeds you have ring the andrology department and organise when to bring it in (their choice not ours). Annoyingly, this just drags out the time to get results and ultimately get to treatment. What I did not realise at this time was that this was going to be a pattern to come in this journey.

Then I made the trip to my GP, which resulted in having to coming back to see the nurse for blood tests - full blood count, progesterone, rubella, LH/Oestradiol/FSH, each done on the right day of my cycle. I also had to go back and re do the Oestradiol as well. Luckily work didn't mind that I had to have several trips to the GP. Although, I remember working from home one day and timing one blood test trip with my lunch break but it had snowed, so I walked. Took longer than I planned and I felt guilty even though it was st all with in an hour!

When all my results came back everything was normal. Great News. So what was going on?

Well my husband went for his test results, he wasn't told the result but just asked to repeat the test. Ok so I said that maybe something went wrong with the test and not to worry, after all I had to re do one blood test. Ok he said, maybe but then he was asked to do a third test. We heard nothing. After three weeks (and my husband going on a trip to Berlin) and still hearing nothing he rang up the GP's. They hadn't received the results back. Oh no. Thankfully they offer a good service at my husbands GP's and an hour later a doctor phoned back and told him there was no sperm. At last we now knew why I had not got pregnant. Then we were told that to get referred I would have to see my GP as fertility referrals have to go via the female!?!

Another trip for me to my GP's then. This time I saw a locum, who was nice and seemed to know what she was talking about. She listened to my husbands lack of sperm story and I gave her copies of the results. She said that she could refer us and that we could do this via the choose and book system. Up came a list on screen, she suggested a place in Bradford as it had the shortest wait time. Was it the best choice? I had no idea. It wasn't the nearest place - Seacroft but I'd wait longer. Well GP locum was adamant that we should choose the shortest wait as we need to be seen as soon as possible. How could I not agree with this.

I couldn't actually book my appointment date and time there and then, so this gave me a taste of how the billions of pounds spent by the Government on an NHS IT System had been wasted! any way the next day I rang up and got an appointment in June 2010. We were on our way!!!

In The Begining

I met my husband in 2000, when I was 29 and he 32. We got engaged in 2003 and married in July 2005. Like a lot of women I had always dreamed of getting married and having children. Never did it cross my mind that having children would be a problem for us, after all my mother did not have any problems and nor did my sister. I didn't even think about male fertility problems - I'd never really heard about them!

We started trying to conceive in 2006 , after my husband had finished his degree. I think we both assumed it would just happen, maybe not the first month but within a few....but it didn't. We told ourselves that we didn't have a problem, it must be a timing thing, so I searched the Internet and started working out ovulation days. We brushed over the issue of infertility by saying that we hadn't given it a fair try, after all I had had a cold one month or he had a bad back, so we really we hadn't tried enough (percentage chances and all that). Maybe my ovulation calculation wasn't accurate, ao we invested in the Clearblue Fertility Monitor - it tells you the best days to try. Perfect but now trying to conceive had stopped being fun and become stressful and mechanical. This wasn't the childhood dream for motherhood! Each month that my period came so did the upset.

Towards the end of 2008 (me now 36 with my biological clock ticking away), I thought that we should go and see our GPs but my husband doesn't like going to the doctor. I knew that we would both have to go for our fertility issue to be investigated. He wasn't so sure yet, thought we hadn't tried enough! I think he was in denial. Maybe I should have forced the issue by seeing mine and then telling him he had to see his GP but it was already a stressful issue, which we had had arguments over, so we waited a bit longer. I'm used to my husband taking a bit of time to make a decision but this is one where we should have been a bit more decisive but then hindsight is a wonderful thing.

In November 2009 my husband and I finally took the next step on this journey. He went to his
GP and a few weeks later I went to see mine.

Welcome To My Blog

If you are stopping ny and reading this, then thank you.

Well I've decide to start this blog to share the unfairness of infertility, the ups and downs of treatment and to let other people know that they are not alone, even if they feel like it.

Stick with me and you will learn about fear, grief, the world of the NHS and fertility treatment and how money gives you more choices.