Time seems to move slowly in the NHS fertility world, but eventually 13th October 2010 arrives. We both happen to be off work that week, I would have changed the appointment date but for not wanting any more delays. This would not be my choice of things to do on my time off work but this appointment should give us a diagnosis and a next stage forward.
We had a 5pm appointment and soon we are the last people in the waiting room, feeling as if we have been forgotten. The lovely receptionist goes to check with the doctors and does reassure us, that although they are running very late, we have not been forgotten. The waiting just makes me more nervous. I so want us to here positive news.
Finally we get called in by the same registrar that we had seen last time. Consistency is nice but I would like to see the consultant. After all, they constantly check their decisions with them anyway (or that seems to be my experience). Quietly, she explains that the high FSH levels in my husband are showing that he is non-obstructive azoospermic. There is nothing that can be done but we could use donor sperm to have a baby. She hands us some leaflets, tells us the nurse we need to contact if we want to discuss using donor sperm. The appointment is over. We have been told what we deep down expected but to hear it confirmed, is like being hit in the face.
We go home and my husband breaks down in floods of tears. We hug, there is not much to say at the moment, it's too sad and too raw.
Looking back, this is when we started to grieve for our lost baby but both of us have lost our mothers and couldn't quite see this situation as grief in the same way as death.
We had a 5pm appointment and soon we are the last people in the waiting room, feeling as if we have been forgotten. The lovely receptionist goes to check with the doctors and does reassure us, that although they are running very late, we have not been forgotten. The waiting just makes me more nervous. I so want us to here positive news.
Finally we get called in by the same registrar that we had seen last time. Consistency is nice but I would like to see the consultant. After all, they constantly check their decisions with them anyway (or that seems to be my experience). Quietly, she explains that the high FSH levels in my husband are showing that he is non-obstructive azoospermic. There is nothing that can be done but we could use donor sperm to have a baby. She hands us some leaflets, tells us the nurse we need to contact if we want to discuss using donor sperm. The appointment is over. We have been told what we deep down expected but to hear it confirmed, is like being hit in the face.
We go home and my husband breaks down in floods of tears. We hug, there is not much to say at the moment, it's too sad and too raw.
Looking back, this is when we started to grieve for our lost baby but both of us have lost our mothers and couldn't quite see this situation as grief in the same way as death.
The next day we went off for a trip to the Lake District and despite me wanting to talk about it, we had an infertility embargo. We needed a few days away, just us, not talking about infertility and enjoying our few days in the Lakes. We had a lovely trip away despite a bit of British wet weather!
Back home, thoughts came back to what to do next and after a couple of weeks, my husband decided to book a meeting with the donor nurse at the clinic to have a chat and help us make our next decision. No decision, just to give us information to make a more informed choice.
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